The Struggles of a Transvestite
by Super Sheba
Summary: The Struggles of a Transvstite: To Pee, or Not to Pee? Kamatari eats at the Shirobeko, when suddenly, nature calls. What is a poor transvestite to do?
1. Chapter 1: Transvestites and Coins

SS:  Hello all, I would like to dedicate this fic to my younger brother, who helped me with ideas, and to Sweet Chaos, for her Kamatari Obsession.   Thank you both for inspiration.  

Disclaimer:  I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, I don't own my socks.  The garbage can in front of my house probably doesn't belong to me either; I think it belongs to the hobo sleeping inside it.   Also, no harm was done to Kamatari in the making of this fic….I hope….

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**The Struggles of a Transvestite: To Pee, or Not to Pee?**

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In life one can become acquainted with many situations, some which enrich the soul, and others, that well, I won't say.  Such events can be something of wonderful proportions, yet others can leave an individual mentally scarred.  There is a very fine line between the two sorts, and unfortunately, Kamatari had crossed that line.  It was not surprising; Kamatari was an odd enough man from the beginning.  Still, the ability to defy nature itself seems quite strange.  When nature calls, one should not have to think, yet for Kamatari, this was a very different situation.

The Shirabeko was a rather lovely restaurant, its décor emanating a relaxing aura as customers laughed gaily over their cups of sake.  An enticing aroma filled the air as the cooks bustled about the kitchen, filling orders at the snap of fingers.  Paintings adorned the walls, and small wooden tables were dispersed about the floor in an odd pattern.  The customers seemed to revel in the blissful atmosphere, yet one stood alone, deep in thought.  

Nature calls at the most inopportune times, for this man, as he was dining.  Never before had Kamatari been subjected to the torture of public restrooms, and he now faced what could be the greatest decision of his young life.  Now faced by gargantuan dilemma, Kamatari sat cross-legged in front of three doors, each labeled differently.  The first door was bluish in color and bore a sign stating "Men".  Another door, located between the two others was lightly colored, and painted across it in bright blue letters was "Women".  Finally, Kamatari's eyes traveled across a green door, labeled "Fish".  It wasn't as though Kamatari had ever faced a situation like this before.  Normally, he avoided settings such as these, but once the urge arose, it could not be suppressed.  What was a poor transvestite to do?  

Kamatari sat for a long time, his brow furrowed in concentration.  It wasn't that Kamatari was questioning his sexuality; he knew that he was a woman, but unfortunately for him, Nature disagreed.  The way Kamatari viewed himself was different from the way others did.  In his opinion he was sexy, dead sexy.  It was beyond Kamatari's comprehension as to why men did not flock to him; he was completely normal.  With a sigh, Kamatari stood from his seated position and began pacing, his chin rested between his thumb and index finger.

"To pee, or not to pee. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
the slings and arrows of an overflowing bladder, or to take arms against a sea of relief   
and by opposing end them?" Kamatari questioned to no one in particular as he strode back and forth through the narrow hallway.  

Kamatari was at a complete loss of what to do.  There was no way to decide, was there?  Suddenly, Kamatari was struck with an idea, stopping dead in his tracks.  

"I could flip a coin." said Kamatari thoughtfully as a grin spread across his face.  "Men can be heads, fish can be tails, and heads can be women."

Again plopping to the floor, Kamatari pulled out a coin, laying it flatly on his curled thumb, readying the coin for launch.  Through the air the coin flew, then landed flatly on the ground.  Kamatari stared at the coin; it had landed on heads.

"Oh wonderful it has landed on heads!" Kamatari exclaimed as he attempted to remember what happened if the coin landed in such a manner.  "That means I go into and use the Men's and Women's bathroom.  Wait a second, nani?" 

The coin toss had been unsuccessful, leaving Kamatari to dwell entwined in the threads of dilemma.  Kamatari had always been fairly optimistic about life, which brought him to make his next decision.  The coin couldn't possibly land on heads again; goodness, there was _only a fifty percent chance it would!  _

Again placing it on his thumb, Kamatari began to state the order of outcomes.  "If it's heads I go into the Women's bathroom, tails the fish, and heads the men's bathroom."

Much to Kamatari's dismay, the coin again landed on heads.  This irritated him, but nonetheless, he decided to try flipping it a third time.

"Third time's the charm!" exclaimed Kamatari with an irritated tone in his voice.  He glared angrily at the coin, then wiped the perspiration from his brow.  "Heads is the Men's restroom, tails is the Fish restroom, and Heads is the Women's restroom."

Lo and behold, for the third time the coin landed on the ground flatly, on heads.  Kamatari threw the coin at the ground, and began to stomp on it profusely.  His frustration was clear to all who gazed upon his odd actions.  

According to the Shirobeko's code, no customer was to leave the restaurant discontented.  A young waitress stared at Kamatari, letting out a sigh.  Kamatari was one of the Shirobeko's more frequent customers, but something was definitely different about "her".  Getting up from her seat, she walked towards the back where Kamatari warred with the coin.     

"Hello Kamatari-san!" the waitress said with a smile as she stared at the spectacle of Kamatari bearing his teeth at an inanimate object.  It was as though Yumi's face had been engraved into the face of the coin.  "Something seems to be frustrating you.  Can I do anything to help?"

"Ah…" Kamatari growled as he squinted at the young woman's name tag.  "Misha-dono, I'm…not…frustrated."

"Are you sure?" Misha questioned again, a bit of concern in her voice.

"Hai." he answered as he once again centered his attention upon the coin under his foot.  "I will get you my pretty, I WILL get you."

It was definitely time to come up with a new way of making decisions. Definitely.    

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

SS: Well, that's the end of chapter one.

Kenshin: Poor Kamatari-san, subjected to such torture!

SS: Quiet Kenshin! *whaps Kenshin over the head with her frying pan, then puts a pink party hat on his head*

Kenshin: @__@...Oro….

SS: *shakes head* Rurounis….  So clueless……

Kenshin:  That is the end of chapter one, and SS-dono would greatly appreciate your feedback!

SS: Hai, I would.  Good doggy Kenshin! *pats Kenshin's head*  Kenshin is such a good boy, ne?  


	2. Chapter 2: Kamatari and his Index Finger

Chapter 2:  Unspoken Friendship: The Relationship Between Kamatari and Victoria.

Kamatari leaned down to pick up the accursed coin at his feet, knowing well that he might completely crush it in fury.  A shot of pain flowed through Kamatari's hand, as he had jammed his index finger on the polished hardwood floor of the Shirobeko.  Instinctively, he shoved his finger in his mouth and began sucking on it, hoping the excruciating feeling would soon fade. 

Fond memories of Victoria, his index finger whom he had named with pride, and himself were imprinted upon Kamatari's mind.  Since childhood, Kamatari and Victoria had been the best of friends.  Through thick and thin, good and bad times, Kamatari had stood by Victoria, and Victoria had stayed by Kamatari's side.  So close were the two, they were attached at the well, hand.  Never had the friends been separated, and a cruel word had never been uttered to each other.  No contempt or envy tainted the strong friendship, and jealousy had never been a question.  Victoria knew to stay away from Shishio, and Kamatari knew he could not touch his middle finger George, for Victoria had a fond liking for him.  It wasn't as though Victoria and Kamatari were lovers, but in Kamatari's view, who better to confide in than your index finger?  

*flashback*

Smiling, Kamatari spun around and gazed into the mirror.  Adorning his slight yet strong form was a powdery blue kimono, splashed with rosy sakura blossoms, giving the fabric the semblance of the sky.  A showy white obi sat firmly around his waist, and Kamatari could do nothing but admire his own beauty.  Until this day, Kamatari had been dressed in men's clothing, but now that the teenager had realized his feelings, he thought it only right to show off his feminine side. Kamatari had thought awhile on this subject, and had decided he should have been a woman, but nature had made a mistake.

Dust emerged from the ground and began to dance as a cool spring breeze blew the specks about.  The sun glowed as the cerulean sky brought a peaceful feeling to the city of Kyoto.  The clouds appeared to be marshmallow, and looked good enough to eat.  Walking down the road with pride was a certain transvestite, quite proud of his appearance.  Eyes grew wide as dinner plates as the dazzling "woman" strolled down the path, receiving flirting looks from the young men lining the streets.  One man in particular, whom for the sake of this story shall be called "Bob", had been struck by love's arrow, his vision blinded by passion, pulling him forth to Kamatari.  Stopping at a small stand selling flowers, Bob pulled out a handful of coins, smacked them down on the counter, grabbed a bouquet, and fled as he raced to catch up with the dreamy "woman" clouding his thoughts and stealing his common sense.  

Finally, Bob was able to politely tap Kamatari on the shoulder, thrusting the bouquet into Kamatari's arms.

"Why thank you, I'm flattered!" replied Kamatari, his voice giving no hint of his gender.  "What would be your name, you're quite handsome darling."

"I…I...I'm Bob!" stammered the man nervously, a crimson blush rising in his cheeks.  

"Bob?  What an interesting name!" Kamatari stated as he smelled the flowers.  "It's quite strange."

"If you want me to change it, I'll do anything for you miss!" said Bob, obviously controlled by his emotions.

"No, the name is just fine." responded Kamatari, a glint in his eyes.  "You're very kind, sir."

Unfortunately for poor Bob, he was feeling quite courageous, and allowed his emotions to drive him.  It wasn't that Bob felt affections for men; there was no doubt in Bob' mind that Kamatari was a woman, though he knew nothing of her name or background.  Bob's young existence was soon to fall prey to the saying "Life is full of surprises!".   Words could not express the embarrassment and humiliation awaiting the young man.

"Miss?" questioned Bob politely.  "Would you consider courting me?"

"How kind of you to ask!" responded Kamatari, the excitement in his heart growing.

Being asked to be courted in his new role within the first day was the most amazing feeling Kamatari had ever felt.  Obviously this "Bob" found him beautiful, and Kamatari felt his catch was quite lucky.  He stood quietly in thought for a few moments, when he saw Bob's face fall, believing Kamatari would answer him negatively.

"Well," said Kamatari in a womanly voice.  Fortune had decided to ridicule the young man, for puberty decided to hit that very moment, causing Kamatari's voice to lilt with a very masculine tone.  "I'd have to say yes!"

Bob began to back away, after hearing Kamatari's voice, then realizing "she" had no chest, it finally dawned upon the poor naïve man that Kamatari was no woman.  Fear and hatred grew in Bob's heart.  How dare that other man don the apparel of a woman and feign his gender.

"You disgusting gay cross-dresser!" yelled Bob as he pointed at Kamatari, his homophobic feelings driving his speech.  "You're despicable!"

Heads turned to gaze upon Kamatari, but only his fleeting form could be seen as he ran home, his heart and being shattered.  Throwing open the door then slamming it, Kamatari skidded under a table, as icy tears streamed down his cheeks.  Staring at his index finger, he began to long to talk to it.

"Oh Victoria," he wept.  Kamatari's lips closed save the small gap between them on the left side.  "How could they say such terrible things?  Can they not accept my sexuality and personality?  Why must they ridicule me this way?"

"Oh Kamatari-chan!" said Victoria in a very high-pitched voice, or rather Kamatari attempting ventriloquism, but failing miserably.  "You cannot help who you are.  You must ignore their jeers, for they are to close-minded to understand your perfection." 

"You're the best Victoria!" exclaimed Kamatari, wiping the tears from his eyes and gripping Victoria to his heart.

*end horrifically tragic flashback*

Kamatari smiled at Victoria, knowing what he would do.  Perhaps she could aid him in deciding which bathroom he should relieve himself in.  The men's restroom seemed almost out of the question, yet he could not possibly throw it out of the lottery.  He put Victoria next to his ear, and listened.  

"Oh, you want George to help?" questioned Kamatari rather loudly, causing him to receive odd stares from the other customers.  "Alrighty then!"

Sticking out his right index finger, Victoria, and his left middle finger, George, Kamatari attempted to determine his answer by playing eenie meenie minee mo.  Of course Kamatari knew it would be much easier if he did not allow George to help, but how could he upset dear Victoria?  He pointed George at the men's bathroom, and Victoria at the women's bathroom as he began to confusedly make a decision.  

"Eenie meenie, minee mo, catch…" Feeling creative, Kamatari began to change the rhyme.  "Shishio-sama by the toe.  If he hollers, don't ever let him go.  Eenie meenie minee mo!"

Opening his eyes, e realized his fingers were pointed to the men's bathroom and the fish bathroom.  Oh the horror, two answers at once.  This just had to give different results than the coin, did it not?  Starting on different doors, Kamatari began again, further changing the rhyme.

"Eenie meenie minee mo.  Catch Shishio-sama's handsome toe.  If he protests, make sure you don't let go.  Eenie meenie minee mo!" shouted Kamatari.  The crowd began to stare at him, with looks of horror.  Such a gesture as protruding his middle finger while folding back the others was completely unacceptable and scandalous!

Parents with small children covered their children's eyes as they dashed out of the restaurant, praying that there naïve and innocent children had not been mentally scarred.  Again Kamatari opened his eyes, but noticed most had left the restaurant.  He shrugged of the odd event and looked at where his fingers were pointing.  They pointed to the men's AND women's bathroom!?  Before this time, this method had always worked perfectly and had never given Kamatari a poor decision to make.  Could it possibly be true that this way was as horrid as the coin?  Surely Yumi could not have possessed both the coin AND his fingers!

Kamatari had a philosophy.  It stated "When in doubt, blame Yumi.  It's always her fault."  His belief in this ideal was firm, for there was not thought in his mind holding Yumi as honorable.  For one reason, she had Shishio-sama's affections, an unforgivable transgression through Kamatari's perspective.  Hatred burned within Kamatari's heart as the picture of the most ugly, lying, and cruel Yumi flew through his thoughts.  Growling, Kamatari attempted to find a new method in order to help him make his decision.  Maybe he should just have stayed home and played checkers with George…..   

To be Continued…..

*dramatic music plays in background, Kenshin, Mr. Gobbles the turkey(muse) Kamatari, and Yumi sit around random campfire in Super Sheba's living room*

SS:  *sitting cross legged, eyes shut, fingers in peace symbols* Kum by yah my lord, Kum by yah my lord, Kum by yah!

Kenshin:  Super Sheba-dono is a very interesting person, that she is.

Mr. Gobbles: Gobble gobble?

SS: *stops singing, glomps Mr. Gobbles*  We saved you from the turkey holocaust!

Kamatari: *dreamily* I wonder if Shishio-sama is thinking about me?

Yumi: *sneers* The day Shishio-sama thinks of you is the day I die!

Kamatari: That should be soon then! *smiles then pulls our scythe, cuts through Yumi's neck*

Yumi: *on floor, dead, her blood staining the carpet*

SS: Kamatari, next time make sure you get a towel so the carpet won't stain! *sighs*


	3. Chapter 3: A New and Twisted Plot?

Chapter 3: A New and Twisted Plot?

Of all the nerve!  Not only had George failed him, but Victoria TOO?  Such an utter disgrace had never befallen Kamatari in his entire life.  Not even the humiliation of being called a gay cross-dresser could compare to this.  Friendships were not meant to be broken, but if Victoria was truly his friend, would she not have helped in giving his problem a proper solution?  Instead, she had pulled George into the game, making the decision impossible to make.  Scoffing at what he had once held sacred, Kamatari glared at Victoria then turned his vision away from the sight of her slight protrusion from his hand.  To think Kamatari was stuck with this traitor until the end of his lifetime!  Kamatari could have Victoria and George amputated, but that just wouldn't do.  Sighing, Kamatari gazed at the ground then again stared at Victoria with malice.

"I'm never speaking to you again!" shouted Kamatari as he began to look upon George as well.  "And George, I'm not talking to you either!"

"But Kamatari…..I'm your best friend!" whimpered Victoria, her dotted eyes becoming fixed on Kamatari's face.

"No, not anymore!" replied Kamatari as he began to think.  Who else had been kind to him in his life time?  It suddenly hit him.  "That waitress---Misha-dono!  She is now my best friend.  She never betrayed me!"

Sticking his tongue out at his ex-best friend and looking disgustedly at the two evil appendages, Kamatari stomped off to find Misha in all her waitress like glory.    Seeing a woman with his exact same haircut, Kamatari let out a sigh of relief as he tapped her gently on the shoulder.

"Miss, may I have a word with you?" asked Kamtari as he grasped her hand and pulled her towards the restrooms.  "I need help making a decision, and by process of selection, you have been dubbed my new best friend."

"Really?" Misha exclaimed, her eyes aglow.  "YIPPEE!"

"Yes," said Kamatari as he began to feel a bit nervous.  "As my best friend it is of the utmost importance that you know much about me.  First of all, I'm not a----"

"Hai, I know, and your secret is safe with me." interrupted Misha as she began to squeeze Kamatari to the point of suffocation.  How she loved that poor innocent transvestite.

"You, you do?" queried Kamtari as a small frown sprouted upon his lips.  "But I've never told anyone…."

"Your torture of that coin was a dead give away." Misha answered promptly, lowering her voice to a whisper as she pointed to the battered coin on the ground, appearing as though it had been through a blender multiple times.  "Plus, who but a well…transvestite would debate over which bathroom to go into.  If I were you, I'd just go use the one for fish.  I sincerely doubt there are any fish that actually use that restroom." 

Just as they spoke, their jaws dropped to the ground as a rather large goldfish came out through the door bearing the symbol of the aquatic creature.

"WHAT?" asked the goldfish confusedly, feeling a bit discriminated against.  "Can't a fish use the porcelain pony in peace?  Sheesh!"

The fish stomped out, returning Kamatari to his point.

"I would not like to be ridiculed by a fish thank you." muttered Kamatari.

Misha pulled the fish back to where it had been standing, then began to say, "I need your help so we can play duck duck goose!"

"How in the world is that going to help me find the answer to my problem?" Kamtari asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"You'll see!" said a smiling Misha, her hand sitting the goldfish down on the floor.  "Alrighty, let's go!  Ummm…fishy?"

"The name is Roberto, say it with respect." stated the goldfish in a "no monkey business" matter.

"Ok Roberto, you be it first!"  Misha finished, her hand placed upon her forehead in shock.  Since when did goldfish have names, especially those of well, a stereotypical hot guy?  

"Fine, fine." said Roberto exasperatedly.  "Duck, duck, duck, goose!"

Roberto got up in a run and slammed into Kamatari's former spot, avoiding the terror of being placed in the mushpot.  This was all too easy, and Kamatari rose to his feet.

"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, d—goose!" he yelped as Misha tore after him at lightspeed.  Feeling himself under the pressure of her weight, Kamatari had come to the conclusion that Misha had tackled him.

"Owie…." Kamatari stammered as his head throbbed.

"Oops…sorry, guess I got a little carried away." Misha apologized.  "I think this is getting us nowhere, let's try Twister!"

Pulling a Twister board and spinner out of her pocket, Misha set them down carefully, then asked a random member of the audience to come be the caller.

"Right foot red!" said the disgruntled customer, wondering why the heck HE had to be the caller. 

Placing his right foot on a red spot, Kamtari smiled.  Unsure of how this was going to help him choose the restroom he should use, but he had faith in Misha's ideas, and continued to play, besides, this was rather fun.  

"Right hand yellow!" shouted the announcer above the noise, the crowd beginning to stare and start cheering for certain individuals. 

Misha placed her right hand on a yellow spot.  The game continued until the three competitive players had been tied into knots around each other until the final call was made, sending all but one to the cold hard ground.  

"Haha!  I win!" gloated Roberto in all his fishy pride.  

"Please…get…off…me…." chimed Kamatari and Misha at the same time, stuck under Roberto.

Now that the knot had been untied, Kamatari lay sprawled across the floor on his back panting.  Having no breath under Misha and the fish's weight, the air seemed like heaven as he inhaled deeply.  

"Now...how…exactly…is…this…going…to…make…my…decision?" gasped out Kamatari, his chest rising and falling quickly as he attempted to catch his breath.

"Oh, absolutely nothing!  I just thought it would be fun!" exclaimed Misha happily as she laughed.  "Twister is so much fun!"

With that, Kamatari fainted, his head hitting the floor.  He had just stood up, yet the surprise and despair that had hit Kamatari had knocked him to the ground.  Poor Kamatari, would he ever know the feeling of an empty bladder.  As it looked now, apparently not. 


	4. Chapter 4: Dance baby, DANCE!

Chapter 4: Dance baby, DANCE!

Flopping onto his back, Kamatari sighed wearily as he lay on the floor panting.  Without much hesitation, he had decided he did NOT like Twister, not one bit.  Having a young woman and a fish fall on top of you, then lay there for awhile, completely forgetting he was being crushed beneath him was not Kamatari's idea of fun.  Even worse, Kamatari's bladder still threatened to spew rather unpleasantly, and just the thought of that caused him to cringe.  It seemed that up until the present, Kamatari had had the luck of a skunk run over at least seventeen times by a big rig, but now his luck had been further decreased.  Roberto had an over-active bladder, the women's bathroom was being cleaned, and a rather large man had just strode into the men's restroom, and Kamatari had quickly decided he didn't want to stick around to see the consequences.  

Now it just so happened that within the crowd, a certain someone was plotting Kamatari's demise, or at least his complete loss of dignity.  Watching him squeal in embarrassment would bring the utmost joy to the evil and chestnut haired woman.  Though she was a most satanic creature, her most evident characteristic was her pale green lipstick.  Perhaps she wanted to make a statement, or maybe she thought it made her beautiful, but common belief was that she had a death wish, a very LARGE death wish.  No amount of makeup or plastic surgery could bring even a speck of beauty to this young woman's face, but then again her idea of beautiful was far from normal.  Within her mind, handsome meant a cruel man enveloped in bandages that hid the burns coating his body.  Despite her misguided intentions and complete insanity, this woman, who shall be called Yumi to protect her identity, was quite clever.  Having the knowledge to destroy a person's pride was something Yumi valued greatly, and thus she knew exactly how to drive Kamatari to his ruin.

It was not a well known fact that Kamatari had a passion for dancing, but Yumi, being the spying traitor she was, had this at her fingertips.  Smiling evilly, Yumi pulled out what must have been Shishio's most important invention: Dance Dance Revolution.  Bamboo mats and screen in hand, Yumi dragged in the odd game that was so many years ahead of its time.  Remembering how Soujiro had played it for hours on end, causing Shishio great frustration, Yumi launched her flawless plan, or so she thought.  

Watching Yumi set up the intricate system and taking off her sandals, she made it a point to be obvious.  Stomping over, Kamatari immediately challenged Yumi and threw his sandals and scythe into Misha's hands, a large mistake on his part.  Misha quickly put on Kamatari's shoes and began to romp about waving his scythe with pride.  Across the room Kamatari was dancing with great skill and beating the kimono off of Yumi.  The crowd began to writhe with pain, as the form of Yumi in the nude caused much vomiting in the audience.  Collapsing, Yumi feel to the ground in exhaustion, only to have her spot taken by a little four year old girl.  Carefully pulling her sandals from her feet and placing them neatly by the mat, she stepped on and began to move her legs furiously as she left Kamatari in the dust.

"Yes!!!" the little girl exclaimed excitedly.  "I win!  I win!"

Stepping away from the game, Kamatari smiled at the little girl jumping around with joy.  

"Young lady, what is your name?" asked Kamatari thoughtfully.

"It's Kiani" replied the little child with pride.

"Well Kiani-chan, I congratulate you." the kindly man responded as he bowed slightly.

Kiani ran off, her black wisps waving in the air as she hurried back to the dance mat, where none other than Roberto the goldfish stood waiting for a challenge.  With a sigh, the fish showed off his superior dancing skills as he beat Kiani with ease.  

"You lose!" gloated Roberto, whose skills were unmatched.  "I am superior to you!  Bow to me!"

Kiani shrieked and broke into tears, but was soon scooped up by Kamatari, who pet her black hair fondly and whispered soothingly.

"Kiani-chan, you defeated me, and I am no easy opponent." Kamatari comforted as he smiled.  "Therefore, you are very good.  Do not listen to Roberto.  He is a fool."

After being let to the ground, Kiani ran out of the room, and "accidentally" trampled Yumi.  Apparently Kiani knew Kamatari better than it was thought.  The fleeting image of Kiani winking lay imprinted upon Kamatari's mind.  Walking back towards the restrooms, Kamatari again sat himself down on the floor cross-legged with no trace of wetting himself.  Disappointed, Yumi began to put as she groped for her kimono, trembling with embarrassment.  It wasn't that she didn't feel beautiful.  In fact, Yumi knew she was drop-dead GORGEOUS, but not even Shishio had seen her this way, and it had been her dream for only him to view her sans-kimono.      

Smugly, Kamatari stood up and sank the sole of his sandal into Roberto, who fell to the ground exhausted.

"Oh, and Roberto," Kamatari asked smartly, a smirk upon his face.  He just HAD to get back at Roberto for hurting that little girl's feelings!  "Don't fish need water to survive?"

Roberto just shook his head negatively and laughed as he walked off on his slimy orange tail.  Kamatari was now certain that Roberto was TRYING to keep him from the bathroom for the fish, and he KNEW he needed to defeat that goldfish in order to relieve himself.  Just thinking of the glorious feeling of an empty bladder caused Kamatari to squirm with excitement, carefully making sure to keep his slender legs crossed.  The other customers smiled in amusement as Kamatari became involved in a certain pee-pee dance.  

Misha began to sing happily to the tune of the "Twinkle Twinkle little Star" as she watched Kamatari's odd antics, "Tinkle, tinkle, Kama-chan.  I wonder how long you'll stand.  Up above porcelain god so high.  Like a potty in the sky.  Tinkle, tinkle Kama-chan, I wonder how long you'll stand!"

With that, Kamatari fell to the ground, sweat trickling down his face as he attempted to withhold the stream attempting to escape his bladder.  By no means would he wet his kimono.  None.


	5. Chapter 5: The Downfall of Roberto

Completely exhausted, Kamatari lay sprawled across the smooth wooden of the Shirobeko, the cursed restrooms in view.  A sense of pride ran through his veins, for he had held his overflowing bladder for a remarkable period of time without allowing a single droplet to be spilled.  It took an inner strength to withhold one's bodily wastes within the body for such a long while.  Unfortunately for the poor bathroom deprived man, he had attained several enemies throughout the course of his horrific struggles.

Roberto had an extremely sinister plan up his fin.  Feeling terrible disgust and hatred for Kamatari, Roberto had carefully schemed Kamatari's treacherous downfall.  For hours it had seemed as though Roberto had busied the fish pool of relief without relent, a completely impossible and strange feat.  Whether Roberto was constipated, angry, or just plain stupid was beyond Kamatari's knowledge.  Still, a suspicion surrounded Roberto's odd actions that not a soul could forget.  Though Yumi had been plotting against Kamatari, her attempts had been futile and had lead to her untimely and "accidental" demise.  

There had been much rejoicing as pink and yellow party hats were passed around courtesy of Kamatari's dearest friend Misha, who just happened to hate Yumi with a passion.  Games of "Pin the Tail on the Yumi" and "Yumi Darts: Hit the Wretched Wench" ensued as laughter rang in the air.  The dartboards were in the form of Yumi's face adorned with a moustache and horns at which very sharp projectiles were flung with intense speech.  So perfect, for Yumi was finally receiving the fate she had deserved for all of time.   Roberto refused to don one of the cone-shaped cardboard hats as he writhed in the corner in a fetal position.  Impacted greatly was the goldfish, for he had held Yumi in the highest regard, as a sort of Goddess, as Shishio thankfully, never had.  It seemed as though Roberto was grieving the despicable devil's death as tears streamed down his cheeks.  Obviously he had lost his marbles, for only a complete and total moron would value Yumi's life for anything other than target-practice.  Sobbing in the corner was the evil, EVIL fish.  Perhaps the poor transvestite had much more to worry over than he could know.

Throughout his journey of self-discovery and toils, Kamatari had attained several allies.  With Misha the "Scythe-Stealing, Sandal Flinging Super Girl", Kiani the "Yumi Slayer", and the random monkeys within the restaurant, Kamatari had friendship and joy.  With ease, Kamatari had assembled an army of strongly impassioned haters of Yumi, and with his minions by his side, he was confident that he could take any challenge.  Kamatari knew that he WOULD complete his quest for relief.  

Within the fish bathroom, a weeping Roberto plotted upon the pearly white toilet seat, his trusty red crayon in hand.  A rather messy mural of Kamatari, his kimono soiled, lay upon the confines of the seat.  Roberto could picture the cross-dresser's face as he blushed and stared at the ground with shame.  The plot began with a bowling ball flying towards Kamatari's stomach and smacking it painfully.  If this did not work, Kamatari would stumble into a rope snare, which would hang him upside down from the ceiling of the Shirobeko, and in fear, allow himself to pee.  Surely the plot would be executed flawlessly, no need for other schemes in case it failed, or at least, that is what Roberto believed with all of his heart.  Truly the traitor had no doubt in his mind that the scheme would not be as he had so carefully planned, for he felt that his plan was that of an utmost perfection.  In Roberto's mind, his attack could not be a failure.

Red-eyed and bushy tailed, the goldfish exited the toilet as he bid farewell to the almighty porcelain god.  Feigning excitement, Roberto tapped Kamatari upon the shoulder innocently, but toppled him over within an instant.  The bowling ball quickly landed upon Kamatari's lower-stomach as Roberto prayed it would cause Kamatari to wet himself.  

Misha could not bear the sight of Kamatari threatened, thus bringing about her rabid fangirl transformation.  Her simple purple shirt and jeans morphed into a shiny and purple velour cape, a pair of white boots, blue tights, light green briefs, and a pink shirt.  The rose colored shirt sported the words: I LOVE Kama-chan! And a picture of Misha glomping Kamatari within her arms, a ridiculous grin upon her face.  Jumping towards Roberto, her face became angry and her teeth grew into fangs, the iris of her eyes turning a deep scarlet.

"Roberto…" said Misha in a sweet voice.  "Would you kindly remove the bowling ball from Kamatari?  I don't think he can breath…"

"Perhaps in your dreams, but not now, nor ever!" stated Roberto smugly as he began to laugh at the frustrated young woman.

"ROBERTO!" Misha shrieked as she lunged at the pathetic goldfish with a plate of sushi in her hands.  "I will fight for Kama-chan's honor!"

"MY FISH BRETHREN!!!" yelped the goldfish as he gazed upon the plate, only to lay eyes upon his beloved salmon sister.  "LORETTA!!!! NOOOO!  HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU!  'TIS A CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!"

"Oh, I'm SO SORRY!" cried Misha as she ran over to comfort Roberto in his pain.  

"Misha, just WHOSE side are you on?" questioned Kamatari as he lay a bit ignored in the corner, smashed by the bowling ball.

"Oh YEAH!" exclaimed Misha as she ran over to Roberto again with the plate still clutched in her arms.  "HAHA!  YOU DESERVE IT YOU YUMI-LOVER YOU!"

Into Misha's face went the platter of fish as Roberto glared angrily upon her now sushi-covered face.  Sputtering, Kamatari's biggest fan began to choke as Kamatari wriggled out from under the bowling ball.  Revealing a plastic katana, Kamatari jumped up and placed his hand on the sheath.  

"You DARE provoke me after the terrible wrong you did to my sister Loretta?" screamed the anguished and deeply sorrowed goldfish as his sword gleamed in the midday sunlight.  "FOOL!  FEEL MY WRATH!"

"You think you can defeat ME and the glory of my plastic katana?" laughed Kamatari.  "You are the one who shall pay!"

Soon Kamatari's scythe and sandals were within Misha's arms as she danced about excitedly, in awe of the fact that she was touching HER Kama-chan's clothing.  The battle became quite interesting as Kamatari made the first move, venturing towards Roberto and poking him lightly with his plastic katana of doom.   Roberto stabbed at Kamatari, only to be avoided and have Kamatari's sword smash down on his face.  Blood began to trickle from Kamatari's mouth, but he still stood with great strength, unafraid of the fight.  Within moments, Kamatari had sunk his sword deeply into Roberto's scaly flesh, causing him to fall and writhe in pain.  

"You are at my mercy you fishy demon you!" stated Kamatari as he pulled his sword from Roberto, then pointed the plastic Katana at Roberto's throat.  

"You win…." Roberto whispered as his eyes fell shut, pulled Kamatari's plastic sword from the man's hands, held it above his face, and said, "That plastic katana of doom is far more powerful than imaginable.  I commend you…"

With that, Roberto fell silent, and Kiani, who had witnessed the entire battle without saying a word, grasped the fish by the tail, and dragged him to the fish restroom for a proper burial.  Finally, Roberto would be with the porcelain god, forever.  A flush echoed throughout the restaurant, as even Kamatari removed his randomly appearing top hat in silence for the evil, conniving, and sickening goldfish.  Oh how the goldfish was hated. 


	6. Chapter 6: And Now We Find a CONCLUSION?

It seemed rather strange that the Shirobeko be quiet, yet there sat the quaint little restaurant in complete silence, stiff and somewhat lonely despite the rather large crowd that had gathered.  Roberto had never been a beloved father or fabulous chef, nor had he been an interesting entertainer or a public hero, but he had added flavor to the Shirobeko's atmosphere, along with an air of excitement.  Even with his evil and conniving schemes, Roberto had been a comic relief to those weary and troubled.  Kamatari was an exception to this, considering Roberto had only mocked and cruelly frowned upon him since the moment the two had met.  Still, Kamatari missed the quirky goldfish with a witty tongue, and felt it necessary to mourn his departure from fair Earth.  Pulling a few candles from a pocket in his kimono, Kamatari fumbled for a match, then lit the candles.  Kiani looked on in surprise, for to her knowledge, Kamatari absolutely despised Roberto, but Kamatari was also a man of honor and unbelievable empathy.

Through the years, Kamatari had been insulted and ridiculed to the point of emotional breakdown, but he stood strong, and it had made him yet a greater person still.  Perhaps this had brought Kamatari the loving and sweet personality of present, which continued to shine through as he began to speak at Roberto's randomly started funeral.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today not to mourn the death of Roberto, but to celebrate his wondrous life." boomed Kamatari in an uncharacteristically spirited and masculine voice.  "Roberto the goldfish lived a good life, despite his mean attitude towards me…"

A single tear sliding down his cheek, Kamatari stared unhappily at the fish restroom, his legs still crossed, and not one to hold grudges, continued.

"This fish made us laugh, cry and who knows what else." Kamatari thundered much in the style of an African American preacher.  "He was a most talented dancer with a sense of humor.  He was a fish with a deep love for his family, especially his already departed sister, Loretta.  Rejoice my friends in the fact that Roberto is now…"

"BURNING IN HELL!" shrieked Kiani from the audience, her four year old body jumping up and down until her mother clapped her hand over the child's mouth and dragged her from the restaurant.

Clearing his throat, Kamatari finished his sentence, "…Spending time in heaven with Loretta, where I'm sure they're bother very happy.  Let us smile upon them as the Holy Father in heaven is."

Blowing out the candles, Kamatari slipped a t-shirt over his head, with the words "I am great, I am strong, I AM WOMAN!" on the front.  Kamatari was feeling extremely self-confident, and the prospect of emptying his bladder could only brighten his already frolicking spirits.  The fish restroom looked so beautiful in its solitary unisexuality.  It was the only bathroom in which Kamatari would find no ridicule for his choices in life, and would most likely give him the utmost privacy.  Thanks to his grand companions, Kamatari had found a partial solution to his problems, that is, until Roberto had appeared from the depths of said lavatory.  Now that Roberto was dead, Kamatari's path to the bathroom of fishes was clear, and thus he marched, legs crossed so that he would not have an accident.  

Kamatari opened the door, the green tiled floor of the bathroom shining with cleanliness.  How the fish lived outside of water long enough to use the toilet in the fish restroom, Kamatari was unsure, but it was obvious that the clean water droplets clinging to the creature's tails had given the floor a much-needed polish.  A single toilet resided in the room, as well as a single sink.  Not only was the restroom private, it had the grandest thing yet other than the toilet; it had a lock on the door strong enough to keep out even the strongest needing to pee.  The john, as some might call it, was the most beautiful thing in the world to Kamatari, and the audience of the spectacle seemed to agree, considering the loud cheers they gave as he set one foot inside the room.  There were but few steps between Kamatari and his sacred pool of relief, and it dawned to him that there was no possible way he could thank the porcelain god for all he had done.  A sudden urge to sing burst from Kamatari's soul as he began to spout words from the bottom of his heart.

"There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing." The transvestite sang out as his eyes glowed lovingly at the porcelain pony before him.  "No I never heard them at all, 'till there was you.  There were birds in the sky, but I never saw them winging.  No I never saw them at all, 'till there was you."

Never before had Kamatari seen such a beautiful sight.  That toilet was Kamatari's heaven on Earth.  Kamatari was the hamburger, and the toilet was the cheese.  It was chimichanga meets sour cream; ice cream sundae meets chocolate syrup!  There was never a pair more meant to be than Kamatari and his precious potty.  Could his joyful song have made that any clearer?

"And there was weewee!  And there were wonderful flushes, they tell me in sweet fragrant meadows, of pee and poo.  There was love all around, but I never heard it singing!  No I never heard it at all…"

With all of his heart, Kamatari sang deeply to the toilet.  In a stunning tenor, Kamatari continued passionately, and if the potty had been an animate object, it would have wept in sheer joy.  The transvestite had put his heart and soul into his song of worship and thanks to the toilet.  There was beauty in seeing Kamatari sing, and a truly peaceful portrait brought forth by said scene.  

Kiani smiled, for she had entered the restaurant again, without her mother noticing.  The little girl had missed her dear friend Kamatari in the moments had passed between their last meeting, and she had shaken with fear at the thought of never seeing the transvestite again.  Spying Kamatari, Kiani slunk over to him.

"'Till there was you!" finished Kamatari proudly as he prepared to shut the door and pull up his kimono and relieve himself.

Aghast at the sight before her, Kiani ran towards the door, in attempts to stop Kamatari.  After all that had been done, it seemed impossible that of all things, THIS could happen.  It just couldn't be.

"Kamatari-san… I have something I must tell you…" stammered Kiani, staring widely at Kamatari.  "I'm afraid the boat has already sailed."

"Huh?" questioned Kamatari as he stared to the ground, only to find a puddle at his feet.  "Oopsie."

With that, the whole crowd gasping, Kamatari exited the Shirobeko as though absolutely nothing had happened.

"WAAAAIT!" called Misha out of breath as she chased after Kamatari looking disheveled.  "Kamatari-san!  You forgot to pay your bill!"

And with that, two forms disappeared off into the sunset, one a transvestite who had somehow found himself via entering the fishy bathroom, and the other a rabid fangirl chasing after her dream man and source of income.

The End


End file.
